Confusing Times

Somehow for the past few days, I just haven't had the.. inspiration, shall we say, to write anything here. It could either be that there is absolutely nothing happening lately that I feel like writing about, or I have just been so swamped with work that I just haven't had the chance to notice what ever has been happening around me. I think it's more because of the fact that I have been busy, exceptionally, working until the wee hours of the night every day. I am starting to think that it's getting really frightening that the last week just flew by so fast that i have absolutely no recollection of anything happening other than me sitting here in the office in front of my laptop.

I think i have arrived at a crossroads in my life. I feel like i am in desperate need of a change. I am getting bored with my work. I feel very demotivated, and I have a feeling it's been starting to affect the quality of the work that I deliver. Some people would say that i just don't give a damn anymore, but in actual fact i really do. Half of me just says quit your job now, while the other half of me says that I should go through with it until the very end and finish what I started.

Actually I have two choices now.

First would be to choose the path of the selfish bastard and just resign right now. I think i will be much happier. There would definitely be a lot of opportunities out there for me to explore and the earlier i get myself out of this mess, the better. However, the down side to this would be the fact that i would admit that i have given up on something that i have been working hard for the past year or so, and also i would feel that i am abandoning my project team members when they need me the most, especially since we are going through one of the most critical times of the project. I have spoken to some people about this and their advice to me is just not to care, since it is a big company and they will surely find a replacement for me eventually and the fact that it is such a big company, and all the "higher level" people don't really care about the team members as long as the project is delivered, i shouldn't really give a damn. But the actual fact is, i do give a damn and i do care, and that's where the problem lies.

The second option would be to stay on until the end, and finish off what i started. I keep everyone happy, except probably for me. I feel like i am in a rut already, and i don't think i can see myself doing what i am doing now in the long term, and I am also starting to lose interest. It also doesn't help, the fact that the project seems to be crumbling and no matter how hard we try, it just does not seem to help matters at all, if not make it even worse. I am demotivated and devoid of the "passion" to work, and deliver my best, like when i first started working 4 years ago.

So that's my dilemma. Should i be a selfish bastard, or should I just try and keep everyone else happy. It's very confusing and i think it's just time i had a change in my life. Sigh, these are the times when i miss my ex. I used to be able to talk to her about this and she would be at least be able to give some sort of clarity. Sigh. I need to call up my mates and go out tonight.

Later.