Try applying for jobs with this resume

Just received this resume in my inbox. Hilarious.

Name: ***********

Date of Birth: 8th July 1969

Place of Birth: Milton Keynes

Profile

I am a fantastic team player who knows how to get the best out of my colleagues and myself. I enjoy a good beer (not queer) and on a good evening can work my way through twelve pints of the Amber Nectar followed by a healthy dose of vodka! I know I would be a fantastic addition to any company and any company who thinks otherwise should address the incompetence of their human resources.

Motto: Remember. In the grand scheme of things, your work is meaningless. Relax.

Education
Bsc. Computer Awareness/Social Science (1980, Cardiff University)

Work Experience
1998-Present: Dallas Projects (London) TEST ENGINEER
DUTIES: My duties in this position included defining strategies for a variety of development environments and products using Java, C++ & C. I enjoyed this position for about the first 6 months as we had a wide range of young girls in the office who were keen to visit the sausage that resides in my trousers. Once this aspect of employment had dried up, the only real reason for staying was the fact that there was an excellent bar just around the corner with an extremely tidy barmaid.

1994-1998: IBM (Newcastle) SOFTWARE ANALYST
DUTIES: Now this was easy. My shift was 1030 am – 1630 am.
I had my own company car. £38,000 salary +bonuses.
It wasn’t however without it’s downside. By the time I had left in March 1998 I had managed to get the line manager’s PA pregnant. Not bad in itself (it shows I’m not a Jaffa!) but she was married to one of the guys in Sales. Understandably he was none too pleased when he found out his missus was pregnant after he had been having problems “getting it up” for the previous 18 months. I amicably left this position and can provide an excellent reference on request.

1992-1994 TWO YEARS SPENT TRAVELLING THE WORLD
Ah, the good old days. Two mates and me set off around the World.
Firstly we went to Ibiza (before every other smack head knew about it) and from there we went to Thailand, Korea, Australia and Argentina. Absolutely tremendous! I WANT A CONTRACT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD! DO YOU HEAR ME?

1984-1992: Nautica Ltd. (Cardiff) NETWORK TECHNICIAN
DUTIES: Now frankly this was a pile of manure. I don’t know why I stayed here eight years. It’s quite frightening really. The money was manure, the people were manure, the work was manure and there were no lovely ladies. And for a twenty five year old on heat this was a major factor.

1981-1984: Steinberg Factors (Munich) NETWORK ANALYST
DUTIES: For my first job after university this was a peach. The women were amazing. Women Available-12 Women Banged-9.
Not a bad ratio really. Excellent job. Nuff said!

REFERENCES AVAILABLE ON REQUEST